A group of 60 year-old women who are members of a book club decide to ditch their novels for tap dancing lessons. Tonight is the year-end recital, open to the public.
Did I somehow teleport into John McCain’s wet dream?
Look at Mom’s dimpled old ass, squeezed into that hot mess of a costume. Like a spandex sack full of cottage cheese. Is this what my future holds? Fuck. It’s like staring down the barrel of a loaded semiautomatic.
Hmm…semiautomatic. That does sound quick, and relatively painless.
Can a person die from overexposure to Aqua Net fumes? I’m pretty sure that’s what killed Peggy’s hamster. Stupid bitch kept the poor thing in her bathroom in that tiny cage. Totally helpless while she teased her hair into that gigantic white trash disaster. And now here I am, feeling as trapped as that poor hamster, breathing in the toxins emanating from the rhino herd on stage.
Christ, did that lady really bring her own beer cozie to the geriatric dance recital? I mean, it’s humid as fuck in D.C. too, but at least we prefer our OxyContin over Natty Light. Speaking of which…maybe I can get high off all this hairspray. There is a silver lining to this fat, post-menopausal cloud after all.
Jesus I’m happy I got out of this shit hole before I turned into Peggy. Bitch looks like a two-cent tranny hooker dressed up for a debutante ball.
Maybe that flaming dance teacher, Johnnie, is an actual two-cent tranny hooker.
But all I ever heard in high school was Ruby, why can’t you try a little harder, like your cousin, Peggy? No man will ever want you with all those opinions and that terrible emu music.
Well, guess what Fuckers?! I don’t care if no man wants me, because I’m a big, gigantic, vagina-loving LESBIAN! A real live lesbo, in the flesh! And guess what else, Dad?? I even like black girls! How do you feel about that?
Oh yes, it’s gonna feel soooo good telling them that as soon as this shit-show is over. Oh, and BTW Dad, her name is LaToya and she has a four inch tongue. Tap, tap away, Mom. And yep, these flowers are for you. Figured it couldn’t hurt to butter you up a bit. You and Dad probably think I flew all this way for money. Ha!
Oooh…who’s the hot blonde with big tits? Oh gross, Dad, stop staring. Well, at least we have that in common, I guess.
